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Every Week – Something

My goal was to write every week with some advise.  However, the only thing I can come up with for this week is meditation.  I’ve read two books lately that had advised at least 15 minutes of meditation.  Both suggested all of the power you will harness in your life comes from within.  While I believe that power does come from within.  I am not sure how meditation gets us in touch with that power.  However, I have never tried it and so I need to give it a month or so to see if it does make a difference.

I’ll report back.

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Stuggles with Perfecting Sex

I have been working on improving my sex life for over ten years now. There have been ups and down, road blocks and break throughs; However, being a member of a church that is seeking perfection. I am always trying to improve my sexual situation.

The sex, when it happens, is better than it used to be. However, I still spend about 80% of the time trying to figure out how to get sex more often.

From the little bit of data I have gathered, Here is an excellent article from marriage.com on frequency. In this article, they say a sexless marriage is less than ten times a year. I have also heard a sexless marriage is less than three times a month. On the Jimmy Kimmel show, they took an informal survey, and most of the couples said five times a month. So, with that statistic, I am thinking most marriages on the verge of being considered sexless. It also states in the article from marriage.com that if both partners are happy with how often sex is happening, then that is the ideal.

I come from the point of view that the frequency is all my fault and I am not meeting all of my wife’s needs, and I am not taking care of her as I should. I am still working towards perfection.

relationships

Why

I would like for other, younger men, to avoid some of the problems I have had in my relationship.  I believe if I had been better, I would have been less susceptible to temptation and my relationship would have been better sooner.

I am hoping to be able to relay this to my sons before they get married so they may not have to deal with the things I did because I was poorly educated by my father and mother.

Even if you don’t take my advice at least for advice early and often.

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You think you know, but you probably don’t?

If you think you know what your wife likes and your not getting sex.  Think about it, do you really know?  Probably not. Unfortunately for me, I was ten years into marriage before I really started to understand this concept. I thought letting her be on top was enough.  There are a growing number of women authors that are beginning to explain what women need when it comes to pleasure and sex. They are trying to explain this in a not threatening way to men, not just Mormon men.

Women also explain that we men get our feelings hurt about this because our egos are so caught up in being good at sex.  So when the women point out we may not be so good at sex we are ashamed and get upset.  Women fear pain physical and emotional, so when they suggest we are doing something wrong and we retaliate they fear reprisals.  Which means they stop telling us what we are doing wrong and sex gets less frequent. Because it is something else in their lives that they have to endure.

Guys, you need to learn pleasurable sex is not about your penis in your wife’s vagina. Most of the time that is not what feels best for a woman.  Many times women get their greatest pleasure with no penis involvement at all.

Let me say this again, YOUR penis is not the best tool for giving your wife the greatest pleasure.

There is a LDS Woman that is a relationship and sex therapist named Jennifer Finlayson-Fife she recommends the book Slow Sex – There is also a TED talk from the Author Nicole Daedone that explains how important it is you are compassionate towards your wife and what she needs for pleasure.  Daedone explains that you have a wonderful opportunity to connect with your wife by helping her to reach pleasure and orgasm.

 

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It is your fault

The first thing you need to learn, if you want more sex, is that you cannot control anyone else but yourself.  So realize now.  The reason you are not getting sex is because you are getting yourself in the way of better sex. Yes, I am still in the way of my own better sex. And so are you.

If you go to any decent marrieg counselor, or read any good books on marriage improvement, they will all point out the fact you need to fix yourself before you try and fix anything else. (Notice I said Anything, not Anyone)  Remeber the beam in your eye parable from the savior? He also knew what was going on with people.  It is so much easier to say, “That person has the problem, they need to fix it.” than “I am the problem and I need to fix it.”  It’s hard to say and harder to do.  It takes what people are now calling “Emotional Intelligence” to see what I am doing wrong and improve.

relationships · Sex

You’re probably going to hell!

If you are out searching the internet trying to find out how to get more sex from your Mormon wife you are probably going to hell. Wait, cross that off, I said that wrong. You already are in Hell. For some reason, you thought that when you got your sex license(Temple marriage), that you would be able to get sex as often as you wanted. YOU WERE WRONG! I think a drivers license is a perfect metaphor for how sex works for mormon men(And for some mormon women).

Let’s think about this.

When you get your drivers license you think to yourself, “I’m going to be able to drive where ever and when ever you wanted.” But what you don’t think about is that you don’t own the car and you have to pay for gas. Just like your parents owned the car. Your wife owns the sex. Your parents let you borrow the car, but if you do something wrong, you are going to lose privileges.

This is just like sex. Your wife owns the sex and will let you borrow it occasionally, but if you mess up, by being bad, that car is staying in the garage.

Your parents were a lot more willing to let you drive if you paid for your gas.

You may be saying to yourself, “how do I buy gas” for my new sex car. Just like when you got a license, at first your parents probably paid for a bunch of gas. Just like when you first get married your wife will give you a bunch of sex for free. However, what you need to learn and learn quick. Gas for your new sex car is paid for by working. At first is may just be cuddling or going for walks. It might be calling or texting to say I love you from work or school. It will also involve taking the garbage out, doing the dishes and vacuuming.

When you get a house, and the kids come the gas gets more expensive and takes more work to fill up that tank. If your dad didn’t tell you this, he was an idiot. Mine was. My mom told me one time. That some women she knew hated sex. I think it’s because the men in their lives kept expecting to get free gas.

For the first ten years of marriage, I was expecting gas for free and didn’t know why the sex was so hard to get. I was even contemplating divorce, I was desperate and found a relationship self-help program online. I started listening to this lady explain that I was not sensitive to my wife’s needs and that is where the problem started. Once I stated discovered how to meet my wife’s needs, our relationship got better, and I started paying for some of the sexual gas on my own.

I know you think this is a bad metaphor because some kids buy their own car and gas. And yes there are mormon women out then that want sex more than their husbands, and that is the kids that have his own car and buys his own gas.