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Every Week – Something

My goal was to write every week with some advise.  However, the only thing I can come up with for this week is meditation.  I’ve read two books lately that had advised at least 15 minutes of meditation.  Both suggested all of the power you will harness in your life comes from within.  While I believe that power does come from within.  I am not sure how meditation gets us in touch with that power.  However, I have never tried it and so I need to give it a month or so to see if it does make a difference.

I’ll report back.

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Stuggles with Perfecting Sex

I have been working on improving my sex life for over ten years now. There have been ups and down, road blocks and break throughs; However, being a member of a church that is seeking perfection. I am always trying to improve my sexual situation.

The sex, when it happens, is better than it used to be. However, I still spend about 80% of the time trying to figure out how to get sex more often.

From the little bit of data I have gathered, Here is an excellent article from marriage.com on frequency. In this article, they say a sexless marriage is less than ten times a year. I have also heard a sexless marriage is less than three times a month. On the Jimmy Kimmel show, they took an informal survey, and most of the couples said five times a month. So, with that statistic, I am thinking most marriages on the verge of being considered sexless. It also states in the article from marriage.com that if both partners are happy with how often sex is happening, then that is the ideal.

I come from the point of view that the frequency is all my fault and I am not meeting all of my wife’s needs, and I am not taking care of her as I should. I am still working towards perfection.

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You think you know, but you probably don’t?

If you think you know what your wife likes and your not getting sex.  Think about it, do you really know?  Probably not. Unfortunately for me, I was ten years into marriage before I really started to understand this concept. I thought letting her be on top was enough.  There are a growing number of women authors that are beginning to explain what women need when it comes to pleasure and sex. They are trying to explain this in a not threatening way to men, not just Mormon men.

Women also explain that we men get our feelings hurt about this because our egos are so caught up in being good at sex.  So when the women point out we may not be so good at sex we are ashamed and get upset.  Women fear pain physical and emotional, so when they suggest we are doing something wrong and we retaliate they fear reprisals.  Which means they stop telling us what we are doing wrong and sex gets less frequent. Because it is something else in their lives that they have to endure.

Guys, you need to learn pleasurable sex is not about your penis in your wife’s vagina. Most of the time that is not what feels best for a woman.  Many times women get their greatest pleasure with no penis involvement at all.

Let me say this again, YOUR penis is not the best tool for giving your wife the greatest pleasure.

There is a LDS Woman that is a relationship and sex therapist named Jennifer Finlayson-Fife she recommends the book Slow Sex – There is also a TED talk from the Author Nicole Daedone that explains how important it is you are compassionate towards your wife and what she needs for pleasure.  Daedone explains that you have a wonderful opportunity to connect with your wife by helping her to reach pleasure and orgasm.

 

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It is your fault

The first thing you need to learn, if you want more sex, is that you cannot control anyone else but yourself.  So realize now.  The reason you are not getting sex is because you are getting yourself in the way of better sex. Yes, I am still in the way of my own better sex. And so are you.

If you go to any decent marrieg counselor, or read any good books on marriage improvement, they will all point out the fact you need to fix yourself before you try and fix anything else. (Notice I said Anything, not Anyone)  Remeber the beam in your eye parable from the savior? He also knew what was going on with people.  It is so much easier to say, “That person has the problem, they need to fix it.” than “I am the problem and I need to fix it.”  It’s hard to say and harder to do.  It takes what people are now calling “Emotional Intelligence” to see what I am doing wrong and improve.